Thursday, February 7, 2013

Fear can ruin everything...

This amazing little animation....

inspired this doodle abomination, LOL. Burlesquing Bunneh! I feel bad for the gentleman sitting next to me in math class, if he happened to glance over at my notebook to witness this...

.... or this. Haha. He might be thinking.... what is WRONG with this girl!?

Then again, I have been working on these all week....


It's amazing how fear sneaks it's way into our lives.

It can be subtle at times, tricking you into perceiving things differently. A great moment could be disrupted by fear of not fitting in, in fear of not being good enough. Suddenly you don't trust the situation anymore, which could lead to various degrees of self-sabotage.

I realized today that I have been non-stop worrying this week. I'm worried about Wicked Faire, I'm worried about classes, I'm worried about my senior thesis show, I'm worried about work, I'm worried about money, I'm worried about debt, I'm worried about upsetting others, I'm worried about letting others down, I'm worried about not achieving my own expectations..... It's depressing, and it's not allowing me to get anything done. Most nights this week I've preferred escaping into dreams rather than thinking or dealing with anything. Most of my procrastination is fueled by fear.... a realization I've had in the last few months. It sucks.

A professor was telling another student exactly what I needed to hear today, which was to let go of the result, let go of the expectations. I have all these expectations of how things SHOULD be, but it scares me into avoiding the work, I'm afraid I won't be able to achieve those standards. What will people THINK!?

I need to exhale. Clear a space in my head. And not give a shit. Fuck it. Fuck the results, fuck the goals, fuck the show, the grades, the graduation, everything.

And simply enjoy the work. Everything will work out in the end.

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