Monday, December 5, 2011

Questioning Authenticity.

It's funny, I go back and forth with ideas of who "I should be."

Sometimes I try to guise it under life designing, but I'm not so sure I'm always being authentic, or if I'm trying to shape a reality for myself based on how good of a time others are having. I CONSTANTLY romanticize almost everything I read on blogs, FaceBook posts or Twitter updates. If I idolize or envy that person in any fashion, that daydream is intensified.

I keep thinking I'm broken, not where I need to be, and constantly trying to fix myself. It's why I'm so into self-help and advice blogs. If I deeply believe that everything is okay, I wouldn't be perpetuating this self doubt by constantly reading about how I can improve myself. I've been reading personal development blogs OBSESSIVELY for oh, AT LEAST two years. Whenever I was introduced to ZenHabits.net.

So yah... that's embarrassing. These blogs have helped a great deal, they are loaded with lot's of fantastic, insightful advice and lessons. I am very grateful for every single one, as they have impacted how I think of myself and view the world. There does have to be a time where the reading stops, and the action begins. This is a deeper problem I enable, which is the constant need to learn learn learn without ever following through and participating. A lot of my life experience comes from behind a computer screen.

If it isn't self help, it's the pursuit of an aesthetic identity that for whatever reason, I think would make my life appear to be more amazing. Meh.

For the last 24 hours or so, I've been wondering what I want do next. Several times I've thought about cutting off my supply of enablers. I think this is a serious move, one that will make me VERY uncomfortable. I am not kidding when I say I spend A LOT of time, daily, reading blogs. It's a major time waster for myself, and guilt promptly follow, in terms of other activities I'd like to be participating in.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi


I think in order to understand Authenticity more completely; challenging myself, my comfort zones, and beliefs will give me a greater understanding of who I am. There is still a significant amount of consideration I want to give to this. I plan to continue practicing mindfulness, positive thinking and focus, as each I think will benefit unquestionably. I'm not making any moves yet, but the change is coming. I foresee winter break being the time for change.

2 comments:

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  2. ou are already so authentic! Maybe, your "admiration" for others comes from a "deep desire to self-actualize" reflections you see in them.

    In the last six months of in depth self-exploration, I "tried to be someone I'm not" because I thought I "should be" that person, when I intended a life change experiment to become more of my true self! I left status quo to find status quo.

    I'm still struggling honestly but it's helped shape my aesthetic values. I "should be" a devout soul-seeker ascetic, but my body screams for self-pleasure as an aesthete. In the end, being honest to my core desires is the hardest thing, but clarity and liberation is found when I heed its call. Why deprive myself?

    Lady Gaga says, "By remodeling the "model artist," "model citizen," or "supermodel," we can liberate the present. The transformation detaches the model from any universal paradigm and allows him or her to reinvent perspective in a pure, unattached moment... Use every ounce of potential you have, raise revolution against what people expect of you, and tell the world this is not a rehearsal. This is the real me. And listen up, 'cause it could be the most honest incarnation yet.'"

    Warmth & light,

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