Sometimes I try to guise it under life designing, but I'm not so sure I'm always being authentic, or if I'm trying to shape a reality for myself based on how good of a time others are having. I CONSTANTLY romanticize almost everything I read on blogs, FaceBook posts or Twitter updates. If I idolize or envy that person in any fashion, that daydream is intensified.
I keep thinking I'm broken, not where I need to be, and constantly trying to fix myself. It's why I'm so into self-help and advice blogs. If I deeply believe that everything is okay, I wouldn't be perpetuating this self doubt by constantly reading about how I can improve myself. I've been reading personal development blogs OBSESSIVELY for oh, AT LEAST two years. Whenever I was introduced to ZenHabits.net.
So yah... that's embarrassing. These blogs have helped a great deal, they are loaded with lot's of fantastic, insightful advice and lessons. I am very grateful for every single one, as they have impacted how I think of myself and view the world. There does have to be a time where the reading stops, and the action begins. This is a deeper problem I enable, which is the constant need to learn learn learn without ever following through and participating. A lot of my life experience comes from behind a computer screen.
If it isn't self help, it's the pursuit of an aesthetic identity that for whatever reason, I think would make my life appear to be more amazing. Meh.
For the last 24 hours or so, I've been wondering what I want do next. Several times I've thought about cutting off my supply of enablers. I think this is a serious move, one that will make me VERY uncomfortable. I am not kidding when I say I spend A LOT of time, daily, reading blogs. It's a major time waster for myself, and guilt promptly follow, in terms of other activities I'd like to be participating in.
I think in order to understand Authenticity more completely; challenging myself, my comfort zones, and beliefs will give me a greater understanding of who I am. There is still a significant amount of consideration I want to give to this. I plan to continue practicing mindfulness, positive thinking and focus, as each I think will benefit unquestionably. I'm not making any moves yet, but the change is coming. I foresee winter break being the time for change.